Zelda was sitting in the breakfast nook, gazing out of the window and across the lawn at nothing in particular and sipping at her second mug of coffee. Her two boys had finished their breakfast and the older one, Kerry, was off to Grandma’s room to deliver her morning bowl of cereal. The sounds drifting in from the living room indicated that little Taylor was watching cartoons. Her husband was off to work and all was as it was supposed to be.
“Hey, Mom,” came the voice of Kerry from somewhere behind her. “Grandma’s acting all weird.”
She turned toward him. He was holding the cereal bowl.
“What do you mean, weird?” she replied.
“She won’t take her cereal and she’s talking real goofy.”
“There’s always something going on with her. It never fails.”
“Maybe she’s sick or something.”
“OK. I guess I might as well go up and see what’s eating her this time. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about.”
The woman drew a long sip from her mug and stood up and wiggled her toes down into her slippers and pulled her robe tight around her. She climbed the stairs to the second floor and walked down the hall way to the door that led into the walk-in closet. She paused and pressed her ear against the surface and listened for a few seconds and then she opened it and reached in and snapped on the light
“So what’s the trouble this time?” she demanded of the old lady who was lying on a narrow cot, blinking in the glare of the bare overhead bulb. “Room service not up to your standards?”
“Hung wah chow ling boo long,” she replied.
“What?”
“Ching bok koo ling mah how.”
“What are you trying to pull now? You think this is funny or something? Now cut it out and tell me what’s going on here.”
“Low ding chow kah fong.”
“OK. Have it your way. But no breakfast and no lunch and nothing at all until you snap out of it and start behaving yourself. You understand me?”
Before the old woman could utter another syllable Zelda snapped off the light and slammed the door shut. She walked down the hallway to the master bed room and changed into her purple slacks and orange sweat shirt. When she finished tying the laces on her pink running shoes she paused to admire herself in the full length mirror. She saw Kerry standing in the doorway.
“What’s wrong with Grandma?” he asked.
“What isn’t?” she snapped back. “There’s no pleasing that woman. A perfectly good bowl of oatmeal and she doesn’t even want it. What does she think this is, some kind of a restaurant where you get to pick off the menu?”
“Does she want her coffee?”
“No. You take that right back downstairs and dump it in the sink. We’ve got to show her who’s boss around here.”
Zelda followed her son down the stairs. He went outside and she let herself down onto the couch next to little Taylor.
“Mommy wants to watch her soaps,” she said to him. “We have to change the channel. OK?”
“OK.”
“That’s a good boy. Come on, give Mommy a kiss.”
During the third commercial break the front door opened and a man who was perhaps three years younger than Zelda entered the room.
“Hey, little brother,” she said. “What’s happening?”
“I heard Grandma’s acting up. What’s the problem?”
“Who told you that?”
“Kerry. He came by on his bike.”
“That little squealer. Wait till I get my hands on him.”
“Oh, leave the kid alone. So, tell me, what’s with Grandma?”
“Go up and see for yourself. Ask her something and see what she says.”
“Can’t you just tell me?”
“It’s real simple, Dave. I think she’s finally flipped out. When she talks she doesn’t make any sense. You can’t understand a word she says.”
“I’ll go up and take a look.”
Two minutes later Dave returned.
“I think she’s talking Chinese,” he said.
“Chinese? Get out of here.”
“No, I’m serious. Where’d she ever learn that?”
“Can you wait until the commercial comes on? I’m trying to follow this.”
“All right. See you later.”
She waved both hands in the air in front of her. Dave turned and went out and shut the door softly behind him.
Zelda leaned back and watched as Astrid confessed to her very best friend and confidant Laurella that she was being unfaithful to her husband Gardner with his business partner Kent. Unbeknownst to either lady, Mrs. Gibbons the housekeeper and secret ally of Gardner’s mother Helena was listening from her favorite hiding place just behind the door. As she monitored the conversation, the servant’s eyes widened and she drew in a breath and raised her left hand to lay her fingers across her mouth. The final commercial break appeared on the screen. Zelda switched to the next channel and walked back into the kitchen for fresh coffee and another pastry.
The telephone rang. She picked it up.
“Hello?” she mumbled through a mouthful of sugary cake.
She listened.
“What did Dave tell you?” she asked.
She listened to the reply.
“No, Mr. Chan,” she said. “I didn’t say she was speaking Chinese. I guess that’s what he thinks it sounds like. I mean, how would I know?”
She waited while her neighbor down the street spoke again.
“Well, OK,” she told him. “If you want to. But I don’t think it’s all that serious. She just likes to play her little games.”
She leaned over toward the hook for the phone that was mounted on the wall while Mr. Chan said something else.
“Sure, sure. Whatever. I’ll be here all morning.”
Zelda breathed a deep sigh of annoyance as she set the phone back in place. She glanced at the television set on her journey through the living room. At the bottom of the stair case she halted.
“Hey, Grandma,” she shouted toward the upstairs hall way. “Put some clothes on and get down here, toot sweet. You’re going to have company.”
There was no response.
“Come on, you old turd, we can’t have gentlemen visiting you in your bed room, can we? What would people say?”
“Fong kum loo choy mah low teng,” came from the top of the stairs.
“Absolutely. Whatever you say. Just get something on and roust your butt down here.”
Five minutes later, Grandma appeared in the living room. She had put on a long black dress and was wearing a lace cap to cover her hair.
“Oh, swell,” Zelda said. “You look like something out of one of those old horror movies. But what the heck, it’s no skin off my nose. You finally ready to eat now, or what?”
“Wong cha poong.”
“Well, if you want something you’re going to have to ask for it in plain English. Otherwise you can starve for all I care.”
There was a knock on the door. Zelda opened it.
“Hi, Mr. Chan,” she smiled at the man who was standing there. “Come on in. I believe you’ve already met my grandmother?”
“Thank you. Yes indeed. We are acquainted. Good morning, Mrs. Douglas. How are you today?”
“Cha mong foo. Low sah meng chung teng.”
“What’s she saying?” Zelda asked.
“I don’t know. That’s not Chinese.”
“You sure?”
“I have been speaking Chinese all my life. It’s not even any dialect I’ve ever heard.”
“Maybe it’s Japanese.”
“Hardly. Perhaps if I try a few words.”
Mr. Chan addressed Grandma in Mandarin and then in Cantonese and then in two other dialects with which he was familiar. The old lady offered no comment.
“Sorry,” Mr. Chan said to Zelda. “I can be of no help to you.”
“Well, thanks anyway. Give my best to Mrs. Chan.”
“Thank you. I shall. Goodbye now, Mrs. Douglas.”
“Ho nah ming kum low.”
Mr. Chan bowed and smiled and withdrew.
“OK, Toots, back upstairs with you,” Zelda told her grandmother. “I’ve had just about as much of your nonsense as I’m going to take for one day. Remember - no talkee no eatee. Come on, get going.”
Grandma retreated slowly up the stairs. Zelda returned to her couch and her television set and the lives of other people, lives that were vastly more interesting than her own.
Her husband Dennis arrived home from work at his usual time. He showered and changed into his bowling attire. Together with his wife and his two sons he enjoyed a fine meal before leaving for the alleys. Zelda put the boys to bed at their normal hour and relaxed before the television set until the return of Dennis. They went to bed and slept and rose the following morning at their regular time. Dennis left for work. Zelda filled her mug with more coffee and settled down in the breakfast nook for her morning meditation. The boys found something to amuse themselves with in the back yard. At no time was one family member heard to utter the word Grandma.
At one o’clock in the afternoon Zelda heard a knock on the front door. She went to it and opened it and saw standing there her cousin Celeste.
“Hi,” she said. “This is a surprise. What brings you out this way?”
“May I come in?”
“Of course. What a question. Come on in. Take a load off.”
The two women walked into the living room. Zelda flopped down onto the couch, and Celeste took one of the chairs.
“I heard Grandma’s sick,” she began. “Had an attack or something.”
“Who on earth told you that?”
“David called me last night and told me all about it. He sounded very concerned about her.”
“Oh he did, did he? Well, that just shows how much he knows. She’s perfectly all right. Just throwing a little temper tantrum is all. Suddenly all she wants to do is speak Chinese.”
“What? Chinese? You’re kidding.”
“Maybe it’s not genuine Chinese. But she’s trying to make it sound like it is. I mean, what’s the difference?”
“Why would she do that?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. Just being a pain in the butt, as usual.”
“I thought you too were getting along so well.”
“That’s a matter of opinion. So anyway, is that what you came all the way over here for, to check on her?”
“From what David said I thought she was seriously ill.”
“No. She’s fine.”
“Can I see her?”
“What, you don’t believe me?”
“Of course I believe you, Zelda. Don’t be silly. I just want to say hello to her as long as I’m here. That’s all.”
“Well, she’s probably sleeping now, anyway.”
“Loo seng wah tung pah chow,” came from the doorway into the living room.
Both women turned to see who the speaker was. They observed a small lady dressed in black and wearing a lace cap to cover her hair.
“Grandma!” Celeste said. “You poor dear! You’ve lost so much weight!”
“It’s just the dress that makes her look that way.”
“Come over here,” cousin Celeste urged her grandmother.
The elderly woman approached. Slowly she settled down into the chair nearest her other granddaughter, the one who had come to visit.
“I heard you haven’t been feeling too well,” Celeste said. “But I had no idea that – is there anything I can do?”
“Cho loo mok teng fow mow.”
“I see. And does it hurt anywhere?”
“Hung tah.”
“All right. And you think that a change of scenery might be beneficial?”
“Way nuh choy mang low.”
“You know what she’s talking about?” Zelda interrupted.
“Yes,” Celeste replied. “I know exactly what’s she’s talking about.”
“But ...”
“Pow lok ton nuh ming,” Grandma smiled. “Jah tow ling mah woo.”
“All right,” Celeste said, “come on, Grandma. We’re leaving. Right this second. If there’s anything of yours you want here, she can send it to you at my house.”
“Just hang on a second,” Zelda objected. “Who do you think you are, barging in here like this?”
“If you try to stop me, I’ll punch you right in the nose. And you know I’m just the person to do it.”
Celeste and Grandma left the house and walked out to where a large blue sedan was parked at the curb. Grandma settled down in the passenger’s seat and Celeste fastened her safety belt and walked around the car and slid in behind the wheel. She started the engine.
“You know, Celeste,” Grandma said with a smile. “You always were my favorite.”
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